When I write it's from experience nine times out of ten. From happy moments, funny stories and life lessons. Usually the life lessons are not this personal. This is not for pity and it is not to offend or point fingers. This is for all of you who read my rambling blogs and tell me how inspiring they are. I hope you something in this one, too.
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"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t...... You don’t know their feelings. If they’re telling you that you hurt them, then you hurt them. Accept this and apologize." - Louis C.K.
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At the end of this life the only person you can ever truly make happy is yourself.
My entire 27 years I spent making sure I did my best in school and sports to make my parents happy and proud. And although it was hard in the beginning, I traveled the world and found my independence. My parents and friends are proud of me for that. More so, I am proud of myself!
Traveling allowed me to step outside my comfort zone of "familiar" and to find out this world has so much more to offer than my hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana. That the world has more people, lifestyles, races, foods, religions, hobbies, sports, etc. than Shreveport, Louisiana could ever offer.
Traveling also provided me with the journey to find the most comfortable version of myself. The person I love more than anyone else in this world and I don't care how selfish that makes me because I busted my ass to come to love her!
I traveled so I would know what else the world had to offer. So I would never be 50 years old asking myself, "What if?," or telling my 50-year-old self "You should've went there/done that when you had the chance."
When I got engaged, many said I was settling. Which by definition means, "to become established in some routine, especially upon marrying, after a period of independence."
Yes, I am settling, but not on a life of uncertainty. I am settling for a life closer to the family I already had and the family I intend to create. I am settling because unlike many in my hometown, I didn't get married, have children and divorce before age 25 (no judgments for those of you who did) and I know this is what I want.
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Today, I am making choices to satisfy myself. I am not asking who or what will make me happy tomorrow or 10 years from now. I am asking myself "how will you be happy right now?" And today that answer is, "I will be happy by deciding nothing."
I will be happy knowing I tried, even after being broken, I tried to do right by karma. I showed up. I faked a smile. And now I am moving forward knowing sometimes life will not always be as simple as that.
"You get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate. It belongs to you."
For six months I've felt like Woody after Andy got Buzz Lightyear. I felt broken, used and tossed aside to the bottom of the toy chest. By some, not all.
Initially I was bitter. Now, I'm getting better. Letting go has always been difficult for me. Too many questions are associated with goodbyes. This goodbye has affected my relationship, my work, my soul and my outlook on life. I am not glum because I made the decision to leave another life of people behind. I am hurt because I felt abandoned by the humans I've loved most for half of my life at the time I needed them most.
As humans we are all selfish to an extent. But also, it is our responsibility to ensure being selfish is not always our action. We must sometimes sacrifice our emotions and opinions to benefit others. We must ask ourselves "How do they feel?," and "What do they want?" We cannot ignore others feelings because of our pride or self disappointment.
Sometimes we only apologize with words when our actions would speak far louder. An apology is a beginning; it needs follow-up for an ending, otherwise you never grow. The hardest part about being the strong friend is no one ever asks if you're OK. You carry on in strength, with a smile, regardless of what you've endured. You accept an apology you will never receive and you forgive for your own peace.
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"Remember the time when you were too close to the ledge and you didn’t know where to hold on to. You wanted to jump. You wanted to fall off. Because maybe this would mean letting go of control that was trying to suffocate you for the longest time. For once, you didn’t want to save yourself alone. And for once, you wanted somebody to save you from jumping off the ledge because you were exhausted of standing alone and fighting the battles you cannot win alone." - Julienne Ramos
People suck and people hurt people. That is the circle of life. People are cruel, selfish, ungrateful and petty. But it is a choice to look past those characteristics and faults. A choice I have always made because people are also loving, selfless, thankful and generous. A choice that has always bitten me in the ass. Yet, a choice I will always choose to make because I will not lose who I am.
Over the last six months, in and out of anger, depression, and thought I've realized I've hurt many in my past due to my own selfishness. I've realized I've hurt people in the last six months because I was bitter. In my bitterness I lost all care of others feelings including my fiance and my stepdaughter. I've said whatever I've wanted, whenever I've wanted out of anger and hurt. To all of you, I am truly sorry!
Be sad. Be angry. Emotions exist for a reason. Don't let someone tell or control how you feel. You are allowed to feel however you want on any given day. You are the only person who can determine your happiness, sadness, fear, etc. I write all of this out to tell you it's normal to have feelings, but your reaction to those feelings does not go unnoticed. Today I ask you to choose happiness because it's the healthiest emotion. I know that this is easier said than done so all I ask is you try happiness at all times for yourself, and yes, even for others. Be your own light when no one else is, no matter how difficult it may seem.
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