An Open Letter to my Future Stepdaughter

Dear future stepchild of mine,

At age 21 I decided I didn't want kids. And before that, I decided I'd never date someone with children.

When I met your dad I was lost. He was charming and a hopeless romantic (my two favorite things). The first thing I told my mom about him was, "I have rules." When she asked me my rules I told her, "I don't date people with kids." To which she replied, "You're 25 and from the South. It'll be hard not to find someone who doesn't already have children." 

The background of how your dad and I ended up together on this endless road called life isn't what this letter is about. Not entirely, anyway.

You and I met rather quickly. But given that your father and I fell quickly it was inevitable. Twenty-six was already going to be difficult. I'd just come back from China and I was readjusting to living in America, The South and my hometown again. When you're 20-something you'll understand this more but for now I just want you to understand why I love you and why it is all worth it.

In China, I fell in love with a girl named Wendy. You point to her photo and call her my "China girl." Well, that "China girl" taught me how to see joy in chaos. In a round about way, she taught me how to love you. In a classroom full of four year olds who don't speak your language you learn a lot about patience, love and endurance. You learn that children don't react well to shouting. You learn they respond tremendously well to love and nurturing. And lastly, you learn that if you survive a class of four-year-olds who speak a different language that you can survive battle.

You've been the biggest battle of my life. Not you specifically, but all that you bring to the table. And before I go any further, I want you to know that none of that is your fault. You are a child. You are to be young and naive and innocent for as long as this world allows it.

I am not and never will be your mom. I am simply lucky enough to be a bonus parent figure in your life. I have to bite my tongue and respect your mom and dad's decisions. I have to do my best to support them both as they raise you. None of which is easy. However, I will always love you as my own, treat you as my own and mold you as my own because if I had a child with four parents I would want the same for them. 

You are beautiful, entertaining, funny, caring and wise beyond your seven years. You're also extremely talkative and long winded, which wears me out. You're just like your father in so many ways, which can also wear me out. But then there are so many ways you're like your father that make me love you more. When you're with us I have to remind myself you're only seven. Which means you do still need someone to fix your meals, wash your clothes, brush your hair, tell you to brush your teeth, shower, etc. Patience has always been my weakest trait. After teaching I thought I'd mastered patience enough to handle anything but I was wrong. You're still teaching me even when you're not around.

With you comes great responsibility, pressure and sacrifices. You're not mine, but, like my students in China, you are mine when you're in my care. The responsibility falls on me and it's a lot to take in as a non-parent. But you are and always will be worth it. Your innocence shines through all of the bad times. As adults, we see things in a different light. Adults tend to see the worst possible scenario or outcome, whereas kids see the tiniest glimmer of hope. You're able to see it because you haven't been exposed to the ways of the world yet. My greatest wish for you is that you never know how cruel the world can be even when it surrounds you. 

I know I will make comments out of haste, anger or stress. I know they will hurt your ears and steer your thinking, and I am apologizing now for all of those future moments. Our job as the adults are to be positive, guiding, understanding, encouraging, honest, polite and all the other things that make people loved. It is our job to protect you from the demons we fight ourselves. Unfortunately we are only human. We will yell. We will pout. We will give silent treatments. We will say mean things about each other. We will do mean things to each other. We will forget our manners. We will not always be friends. Please know none of those will ever be your fault! 

We will also tell you what to do. We will correct you when you're wrong. We will encourage your creativity. We will ask questions. We will answer questions. A lot of questions. We will tell you "no." We will train, educate and inspire you.  We will take the best parts of ourselves and bestow those things to you. We will mess up, but we promise to always try again. 

Your dad chose me knowing I would have a part in influencing your life. Your dad wants me to play a part in how you think, how you behave and how you see the world (hopefully as open-minded as me). Like me, your biggest flaw will be your giant, naive heart, but I promise to always be there when that heart is disappointed, hurt, sad or angry.  


Your dad and I promise to teach you how to be the best person you can be. You will know that the world is not fair. You will understand that you only get what you put into this world. You will know the worth and pride that come with hard work. We will spoil you and treat you, but you will also know things must be earned and worked for. You will know that you are lucky to have so many people who love you. You will know that although life can be hard there is always someone somewhere having a harder day.



When your dad and I got engaged, it meant I got engaged to you, too. I got to choose whether or not to be your bonus mom, and it is a choice I'd make a hundred times over and am honored to make. Thank you for loving me, little buttercup. I hope for the brightest of futures for us. I vow to continue to inspire, enlighten and educate you in the ways of the world. I vow to always be honest to you. I vow to be the best half to your dad so he can be the best whole for you. 

I love you!

"Don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama