Since I've always been the one mocked for my accent, I never realized how 'country' everyone else around me sounded. When I came back to my hometown last week I was reminded just how southern it is. Not only southern, but small, too. Rebel flags fly at every third house on the drive from the highway. They've always been there, but only now do I notice them and give a slight cringe.
I feel I'm readjusting quite well although I'm noticing a lot of things about my origin I hadn't always noticed. All of my friends and family have been excessively supportive and helpful to me since I came back. Buying meals, drinks and giving me places to crash and cars to drive. In a nutshell, being homeless and unemployed isn't a disaster and I'll be in a groove in no time.
The hardest part is the Fantasy Football sized pull my friends have on when my next departure will be. I've heard as early as two months and one even gambled a year.
My best friend's dad told me I wouldn't settle because I'm the wild child. I suppose that's a bit (a lot) true. I will leave again, but I can't say it'll be as bold as another continent.
For everyone who is asking me what's next, the answer is grad school. In the meantime I have no idea other than to work and figure it out as I've always done.
I've never cared about making money or making it big. I just want to be happy. And I am. I don't care that I'm almost 26 with no specific future planned. In fact, the uncertainty is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.
I'm not worried about what'll happen next, how or when. I'm happy to be drinking coffee and playing cards with my G. I'm happy (surprisingly) to be doing yard work with my daddy. I'm happy to talk grownup problems and relationships with my mom face-to-face. I'm happy to see my best friend and his wife argue over the towels being folded incorrectly. I'm happy to have a beer on the porch with my friends. I'm happy to drive a car with the windows down. And although it's 80 degrees in December, I'm happy to go running in the fresh air.
These are the things that matter in life and the things I find happiness in. I've always been simple that way. I know there will be moments of culture shock once the holidays have ended. I also know I'll want to pull my hair out living with my parents again but they will too. I know I'll have breakdowns and cry over how much I miss my Beijingers. I know I'll have moments of unhappiness and want to run off again to some other place. But, since I decided to leave China four months ago I've been hounding myself about whether or not it was the right decision to make, and I can say, for today, it feels right to be here. Everything feels so normal (for the most part) and I'm a new person able to see the world I came from in a different light.
This morning my parents were leaving for church. Both of them got new Bibles for Christmas and daddy left his old one on the island in the kitchen. I opened it. There were some notes scribbled on the front pages: book titles, quotes, name meanings and a few verses. Under Acts 17:26 was my name, "Amie." I was afraid to look up the verse but I needed to know what it said. My dad thinks I'm a bit too liberal and I don't think he necessarily understands my thought process or lifestyle sometimes. My parents raised my brother and I in the church every time the doors were open and now neither of us really practice religion. The closest I am to practicing a religion is meditating and burning incense. I know it's disheartening for my parents at times and they worry about us, but they never shove it in our faces or judge. They just love us. Relentlessly.
Anyway, Acts 17:26 reads:
"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live."
I know the path I've chosen isn't easy for my family and friends sometimes, but they're the only reason I'm able to continue. They support me through the most bizarre plans and ambitions. For the most part, they believe in me more than I believe in myself, and for that I'll always be stronger and more capable of chasing my dreams no matter what they are.
So, once again I say thank you to all of my friends and family for giving me what any human needs most: love.
In return, I give you more motivation and positivity from my own recent revelations and studies.
The new year is rolling in and you should all save yourselves the heartache of another resolution broken before Valentine's Day.
Following behind people who complain about their state of life but make no effort to improve it, New Years resolutions drive me the most insane.
Why? Because you should make resolutions and goals for yourself year round. If you're overweight in July, don't wait until January to get fit or healthy. If you're a smoker in November, don't wait one more month to quit. If you're unhappy with your job get another one. Even if you need that two years experience. Your happiness is yours! You owe it to no one but yourself. However, all other emotions are yours, too. Embrace them all because without one emotion, we'd lack another and they all work together to bring life to you. (Sit on that one a while if necessary cause I did.)
I'm currently reading Thich Naht Hanh's, "You Are Here." He says:
"Life is accessible only in the present moment."
We focus far too much time on our pasts that beat us and the futures that scare us instead of remaining in the present where we can strengthen ourselves.
Make wise choices, save money, eat less sugar, workout more or whatever it is you believe will better you in the future but we must quit generating our presents on the past and future. There is only now.
I left my life in China with a few expectations, plans and goals back home. Some of which have already been altered. Hey, that's life! Also why I don't plan too far into the future anymore. This is why I'm often classed as whimsical, spontaneous, flight risk, etc. Sometimes my personality and goals cause me to dodge a lot of curve balls and make a lot of sacrifices and break relationships and friendships.That's my choice though and I deal. If I've learned anything in the last three years it's that the curve balls aren't the end of the world.
I'm living in the now because if tomorrow doesn't show up I want today to be a damn good one.
Secondly:
"Generate your own presence because that is the most precious gift you can offer." - Thich Nhat Hanh
This his home for me as I've just returned to my family and my home after living away for two years. I'm broke, homeless and without a car living in small town Louisiana. I have nothing but myself to offer anyone. However, I like to think that's a lot and it is certainly enough for the ones who love me. People don't need things just presence. I've always loved almost to the extent of hurting myself and I never want to lose that quality because if I did I'd lose the offering of my presence. So, this year, and for the rest of your life, just be there. Be in the present with yourself, and be physically present for the people you love in whatever way possible.
Spoiler alert: We're humans, not gods. We're meant to be challenged and not always win. We're created for obstacles but not always to overcome them. Sometimes we're only given obstacles to learn something. When I'm having "the worst day possible" I tell myself, "you're 25 years old, Amie. You're supposed to screw up and make terrible decisions." And for those of you older than me, I believe it applies the same way if you simply substitute your own age. :)
Happy New Year! You have one heart so don't stress it out. <3
In return, I give you more motivation and positivity from my own recent revelations and studies.
The new year is rolling in and you should all save yourselves the heartache of another resolution broken before Valentine's Day.
Following behind people who complain about their state of life but make no effort to improve it, New Years resolutions drive me the most insane.
Why? Because you should make resolutions and goals for yourself year round. If you're overweight in July, don't wait until January to get fit or healthy. If you're a smoker in November, don't wait one more month to quit. If you're unhappy with your job get another one. Even if you need that two years experience. Your happiness is yours! You owe it to no one but yourself. However, all other emotions are yours, too. Embrace them all because without one emotion, we'd lack another and they all work together to bring life to you. (Sit on that one a while if necessary cause I did.)
I'm currently reading Thich Naht Hanh's, "You Are Here." He says:
"Life is accessible only in the present moment."
We focus far too much time on our pasts that beat us and the futures that scare us instead of remaining in the present where we can strengthen ourselves.
Make wise choices, save money, eat less sugar, workout more or whatever it is you believe will better you in the future but we must quit generating our presents on the past and future. There is only now.
I left my life in China with a few expectations, plans and goals back home. Some of which have already been altered. Hey, that's life! Also why I don't plan too far into the future anymore. This is why I'm often classed as whimsical, spontaneous, flight risk, etc. Sometimes my personality and goals cause me to dodge a lot of curve balls and make a lot of sacrifices and break relationships and friendships.That's my choice though and I deal. If I've learned anything in the last three years it's that the curve balls aren't the end of the world.
I'm living in the now because if tomorrow doesn't show up I want today to be a damn good one.
Secondly:
"Generate your own presence because that is the most precious gift you can offer." - Thich Nhat Hanh
This his home for me as I've just returned to my family and my home after living away for two years. I'm broke, homeless and without a car living in small town Louisiana. I have nothing but myself to offer anyone. However, I like to think that's a lot and it is certainly enough for the ones who love me. People don't need things just presence. I've always loved almost to the extent of hurting myself and I never want to lose that quality because if I did I'd lose the offering of my presence. So, this year, and for the rest of your life, just be there. Be in the present with yourself, and be physically present for the people you love in whatever way possible.
Spoiler alert: We're humans, not gods. We're meant to be challenged and not always win. We're created for obstacles but not always to overcome them. Sometimes we're only given obstacles to learn something. When I'm having "the worst day possible" I tell myself, "you're 25 years old, Amie. You're supposed to screw up and make terrible decisions." And for those of you older than me, I believe it applies the same way if you simply substitute your own age. :)
Happy New Year! You have one heart so don't stress it out. <3
