Turning a Quarter of a Century!

A quarter of a century. Damn...

It seems I've done it all at this point. I've certainly done more in the last two years than most will do in their lifetime. And it's definitely more than I ever imagined I would see or do.

At 23 I went to Europe and I only dreamt each year would be better than that. When you want it badly enough, dreams really do come true. It's harder than hell, but we do it anyway. Hellos and goodbyes become easier. Loneliness becomes peace. And fear becomes excitement.

Today I'm 25. For years I've never felt any different on the anniversary of my birth. I suppose it never meant much. However, I've been feeling 25 for a few weeks now. I'm actually feeling my age. Late nights are becoming harder to recover from and early mornings happen regardless of when I go to sleep (or how much longer I'd like to sleep). 

Lately I've been making life choices based on feelings more than logic. It may seem moronic to some of you, but I suppose living in China appears equally the same. In order to live my life by following my heart, I can't make decisions based on logic. The logic will come later. And if it doesn't, there are ways around the struggles. 

Because I'm feeling 25, I know it's going to be great. What will happen in another year, only the future will tell. One day I'll stop and smell the roses, but for now I'm a radiant wildflower among the weeds (or something poetic). 

Maybe for my 26th birthday I'll be blogging from a cushy desk job state side, but I highly doubt that. 

Once upon a time, I had an entirely different picture of where I'd be at 25, but life has a way of alternating our plans for better ones. 

Wherever I go, and whatever I do, from here on out, will be for the good. I've gotten all the trying and experimenting wild side days out of my way. Now, I will live knowing I have no regrets and no 'what ifs' left in life. There are no mistakes, just experiences. And I strongly believe that we choose our own paths in this world. 

For a long time I was bitter about life in general because let's be honest, this shit is hard; and you only have one go at it so we're learning as we go. You make plans and have dreams but life gets in the way and you re-route your course. You can read 1,000 books, listen to 100 speeches and watch countless documentaries, but no matter the amount of those things, in reality, the only guide we have here are ourselves. 

Over the years I've really discovered who I am. I'm still learning and I realize humans are forever changing so in a way I will always be learning about myself. 

I'm going to quote Taylor Swift here, judge if you will but this lyric has gotten me through some hard days. 

"Who you were is not who you'll grow up to be." 

Just think about that one...

I've been told often, and I now embrace this quality, that my worst trait is seeing the best in people. I like this about me because when everyone else dislikes someone, I may be the one person who doesn't. There is something good in everyone. You just have to want to see it. Sure that means I get hurt more and maybe I'm sensitive but at least this hard world hasn't taken my naivety. I think on the worst of days, in the worst of situations, it's the only thing that keeps us going sometimes. 

Thing number two that I know about myself is that I'm spontaneous. Not about going to dinner or a movie, shopping, weekend getaways, and such but spontaneous about bigger choices like moving to a new city or a new continent... 

I can't say who I will be next week or in my next 25 years, but I can say that I will do my damnedest to cling to those two things about myself because the combination of those two things have put me where I am today, which is exactly where I need to be. My spontaneity led me to adventures and my love of people has put unlimited souls in my life who inspire and encourage me be it for a month or eternity. 

Two years ago, when I took my first adventure I was lost. I was searching for anything and nothing all at once. Not knowing what I was looking for made the journey a mystery, which at times was difficult, but in the end I am grateful for the ignorance. I found myself when I needed her most, and when I least expected it. I have many people to thank for helping me along the way, but today, I just want to high five myself for taking the road less traveled. People are constantly encouraging and motivating each other, but that means nothing if you can't motivate and encourage yourself. (Hints my left shoulder blade that reads, "love yourself").

I used to mock people who "needed to find themselves," until I realized it existed. I realized it because I needed it, too. I had no idea who I was when 2013 began. You need to hit rock bottom, skint knees and all, before you can resurface. 

The less traveled, unpredictable road is for the wandering and the wondering. People choose a nomadic lifestyle for many reasons. Whichever one you choose, make it count. When I chose this life I was running away. I was lost and scared as hell. But I chose it and stuck to it no matter how hard it got. I'll be damned if I was going to be labeled a quitter. But, once I dug my hole deep enough, I began to resurface. (The joke about digging a hole to China seems awfully fitting here right now, ha). 

Now, the only thing I fear is fear itself. I guess Shakespeare was right about that one. To me, fear is everything I see back home. I'm afraid of becoming mundane and predictable (no offense) and fearing the rest of the world because I watch too much TV and think it's scary and dangerous. I never want to choose comfort over adventure. What I mean by that is only sticking to what I know or what is expected.

However, I also realize you can have the whole package as long as adventure remains in your heart. Adventure, can be anywhere as long as it's in you. Adventure is a verb, adventurous is an adjective. I use the word adventure as a verb with the meaning of doing anything out of our comfort zone. Something that is new. 

Sure an adventure is climbing Mt. Everest, but it can also be going on that first date after a long divorce. An adventure is moving to a country where you know no one and no thing, but it's also getting lost in the pages of a good book and shutting out the rest of the world. 

Watching the sun rise and set over an unknown horizon from a train window is an adventure, but so is watching your kid board the school bus for his first day of Kindergarten. 

What I'm saying is some day it will be ok to return to home and predictability because adventure comes in different stages, just as life does. 

But for now, I'm simply 25 and it's going to be a damn good day! :) 

Heavy hearts and smiling faces.

Living in China puts me 13 hours ahead of my friends and family back home. Therefore, I speak with them in the wee hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning. I wake up to a WeChat (a Chinese app used for texting, similar to WhatsApp), from my mom just about every morning. It's a nice way to start the day because it's almost like talking to her face-to-face, except I'm drinking coffee to wake up and she's removing the day's makeup with a warm washcloth before heading to bed.  

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic so bare with me because this blog might be all over the place, but I assure you it has a point and a purpose. 

The first blog I ever wrote was, "The Pink Lady." Although she was a stranger to me, she made quite the impression as she was the one who inspired me to begin blogging. And I daresay she was quite the hit among my readers. 

To quickly sum up "The Pink Lady," she was a 60-something-year-old woman who was fighting her third bat of cancer with the utmost optimism and grace. 

This morning's WeChat message from my mom asked if I was awake yet because they were at the hospital...

My cousin Amy has been fighting Kidney Cancer for the past year. Because cancer seems to be taking over the world in a hideous manner, I think at this stage of the game we all know someone (even if just through someone else) who has become victim to the the devil that walks earth under the alias of "Cancer." I think the diagnosis alone can often take five years off the strongest person's life. 

Often times cancer, no matter the kind, consumes the life of it's host in the worst way. They become weak and fragile. But not Amy...

I come from a long line of strong women, physically, mentally and emotionally. We laugh when we shouldn't and sometimes we cuss a bit too much (me more than any of them). We stick to our guns. We always keep family first and we defend them, even the crazy ones. We speak our minds. You get the idea...

My maternal side of the family is quite large thanks to the seven great aunts and uncles between my Granny and Pawpaw. Keep in mind each of them had at least two children and each of their children have at least two children. But we're southern so let's be realistic, most have more. :) Anyway, Amy is my second cousin so I suppose that's extended family. But since I can name up to my third and fourth cousins, she isn't as extended as most. And because I don't keep up with rankings, she is simply my family. . 

My family is huge, but we're close. Like every family, people grow up and have their own families so it becomes difficult to manage seeing everyone regularly. And although each family within the big picture of my kinfolks is constantly growing, somehow, we always managed this, usually with a fish fry, a bonfire or a BBQ. You miss a few years in between and maybe their kids are four instead of one now, but you pick up where you left off the last time you saw each other. 

You tell the Ace Hardware story every time you're together because it never gets old. My aunts and uncles talk about former family functions when their aunts and uncles were drinking and someone did this or someone said that. It's just a big "remember when" gathering and it's beautiful every time. 

Because our family is so large, there is never a shortage in gatherings. And when something bad happens, we're always there, no matter how far. 

I know Amy sees that now. My mom assures me there is a room full of people by my dear cousin's side at all times. I don't doubt it for a second. I've always known how lucky I am to have such a large family, because when life gets hard, they're there. And because there is never a dull conversation with my family, you can distract yourself from the real reason you're all gathered in a hospital room.

When my Pawpaw died I remember that I never saw my Granny cry. This was because she is the matriarch of our clan and she had to keep the rest of us functional. At this point she needed to be strong for the rest of us. I say that to say, right now, Amy doesn't need to be strong for her family. And she isn't choosing to be strong; she simply is strong. The fact that she has remained Amy through this year means she didn't lose her battle with cancer, it means she kicked it's ass because she never let it take her spirit. 

Amy,

I can't visit you with the rest of our family and a FaceTime peak at your smiling face just didn't seem like enough for someone such as you. I'm not good with goodbyes, and I'm surprisingly terrible at finding the right words to say, so this is why I write. 

So here is what I couldn't say the other day...

You are a beautiful soul, and I don't say that because we're family and I have to, I say that because of what you give our family. At the next fish fry or BBQ, I promise you'll be the center of conversation. You'll be the aunt or cousin we tell funny stories about. Because that's all a family gathering is isn't it? Telling the stories of the ones we love. The ones who are hardest to lose because they bring so much spark. 

Last night a friend told me he loved the energy I bring to a room, and until this morning, I didn't realize it but it's either genetic or comes with the name because you do the same. :)

You told mama you were proud of me for being in China, and I want to return the compliment by saying I'm proud of you for winning.

Remember the other day when I told you about my students calling me "Big Amie," well, I hope I can be half the Big Amie to someone as you, my Big Amy, are to us. Thank you for all the July 4ths at your beautiful home and more importantly, thank you for setting the bar so high for this Little Amie. 

---

This blog may be morbid, and if that's how you see it then it isn't for you. This blog is for Amy, my cousin who beat cancer. And for our family who will lose more life than Amy by losing her. I love you and I wish you peace.

February: No Valentine's Day, Just CNY

Since this month was Chinese New Year, and 10 days of the month, Beijing was practically a ghost town, February was a short month at school. However, I'm not short of stories thanks to my crazy wild bunch of kids. 

For starters, my company does something called Winter Course for two weeks in February. This means, while the rest of China is on holiday, we offer extra classes for our students. We do the same thing in the summer for six weeks. We carry on with our normal class hours, and just add nine or so hours to each teachers schedule. It doesn't seem like much, but on top of our original workload and planning it really is. 

Winter Course was mostly a blur to me. I was in charge of Phonics 3: Reading Adventure. This meant I needed to ensure binders and materials were prepped. This consisted of printing hundreds of readers, ordering and stapling them. It was more tedious than stressful. 
The course itself was nice because it's for the most part a group of students who aren't in your normal classes. It's always nice to engage with new students and meet some of the other teachers favorites. By the end of week two I was running on auto pilot and burned out. As a teacher, being burned out is a feeling I never want to feel again. It's not fair to my students. I felt like the world's worst teacher for those two weeks. you just don't have that extra prep time you're accustomed to. 
Anyway, the courses ended and the parents seemed please. 

I don't remember when these other events took place because Winter course was essentially the entirety of the weeks I taught in February. 

Here are a few highlights I remember:

I share a class of five-year-old Small Stars with Hannah. This class comes for two hours every Sunday morning at 8:45 a.m. Now, put yourself in a five-year-olds shoes and imagine how pleased you would be with the situation. These students are extremely young and extremely difficult to grasp, yet alone, maintain their focus. Between myself, and the TA, Daniel (the BEST TA in all of Beijing, possibly China) we often wear out by the second hour. There is a special student in this class, whom all of the teachers are aware of. His name is Frank and he is absolutely precious, yet, a handful. Frank has a habit of wandering around the classroom, sitting at the teacher's chair, or sitting on the floor next to me and resting his head in my lap while I'm showing flashcards. Also, if I'm writing on the board, Frank will often just wrap his arms around my leg and become a growth on my leg. Because it is often too early, and because I find it flattering, we often just ignore Frank the best we can. However, on this particular Sunday, Frank was especially rambunctious. Recently, he'd been acting out, laying over in the chairs sleeping and to participating in activities. I was not in the mood to be forgiving toward Frank. For teachers you hate to be cruel, but if you don't make an example of one student, the entire class will run over you. Yes, I realize they're five, and to me, that is when they are smartest. Frank kept trying to open the door and leave. I picked him up and sat him in a chair in the back facing the wall. Eventually, he stands in the middle of the class, walks toward me and kicks me. I asked Daniel to take him to the PA or his parents, but that he couldn't stay in the classroom. Daniel was a bit hesitant (in Chinese culture, people lean more toward babying children, rather than disciplining). Anyway, Frank then bit me, so I picked him up myself, marched him to the front office, sat him in a chair and told the nearest PA to find his parent or Vivian (my PA). Later, Frank returned to class with Vivian, hugged my leg as usual and sat for the rest of the class. Of course I felt like Trunchbull, but my point was made. I can't be upset with Frank, because to an extent it's the parents fault. I realize my job depends on having these extra classes as I work for a language school and not a primary or private school, but these children are pushed so hard sometimes. 

I teach a class with only two students. They are 14-year-old girls. Best friends, actually. It's always fun to teach them because basically we just chat. At this stage of the game, the focus with them is to improve their grammar and confidence. Neither have a confidence problem, but grammar can always improve. Both girls plan to attend American universities. Their names are Daisy and Sophia. Sophia is extremely outspoken and basically teaches for me and does al the talking for Daisy. Sophia's parents are both very successful business managers so they travel often. As it was Spring Festival, Sophia was gone for the month of February. 
Planning a lesson for two is already difficult enough. We are incorporating Geography and cultural lessons into the nights I teach the girls (we are both benefiting from this I assure you). This night we were to discuss Japan. This was Sophia's choice however. So, Daisy and I talked about the States. She wanted to know about what state I came from. I showed her Louisiana on the map. Explained the differences in the north and south. I showed her food like crawfish, gumbo and jambalaya. I showed her pictures of Mardi Gras parades and we watched a clip of Swamp People (because why not?)
Anyway, my boss interrupted to give us permission to go to the coffee shop across the street and just chat. So we spent an hour having a coffee and I finally got to know Daisy a little more. Because Sophia usually does all the talking I didn't know much about Daisy other than she loves this singer named G.E.M. and The Vampire Diaries (like me). So we talked about the schools in the States she was interested in, about her family, her school, and of course, she caught me up on the latest episodes of The Vampire Diaries. 

We have a new Ayi and she is super awesome, but she drives me crazy because she never lets me do anything for myself. I realize this is her job and she is paid, but when I make a mess, I clean it myself. Anyway, in the women's bathroom there is a changing closet. One day I was trying to be sneaky to grab the mop, but of course, she was hiding out in the closet. I found her siting on a box just reading. Other teachers have said they've found her in there using the recycled worksheets to trace letters. I think that's awesome. :) 

In my Trailblazer class, the students learned accepting and declining invitations to parties. They had to write out their own invitations then invite each other and practice accepting and declining. Helen, invited me to her movie marathon party. It was for the Twilight movies. On the line for additional information like what the party will be like she simply wrote, "lots of vampires." How could I decline such an offer? Ha! :)

My Monday night favorites are graduating in two months to an upper level where they sit in desks, not small chairs. Some kids struggle with the transition so my boss asked me to start seating them in big chairs. I was afraid they would freak when they saw desks and not small stools, but they didn't. I told them, "you're big kids now so you have to sit in the desks." However, I still use the small stool so they said, "Amie is small. We are big." I think they're happy with being bigger. Even though their little legs dangle and they fidget with the desktops the entire class, I almost tear up at the sight of them in big chairs. It seems pathetic but they really do grow up so fast.

Because it's winter holiday, my normal Monday first hour of nine five year olds only had four last week. All girls. We are learning body parts. Specifically how many in this lesson. The kids and I were especially hyper on this night. We held most of the class on the floor with my legs outstretched asking how many and them piling their legs on mine one by one and counting. I had ten legs, hands and arms by the end of class.
Oh, and they sang, "Let it Go," from Frozen to end class :) 

 



One Sunday afternoon, I'm giving an orientation for a class transferring to a new curriculum. This is for parents, however, one of my students is with his mom. In the middle of the orientation he mouths to me, "bathroom, please." Reflexively, I answered, "quickly." I just giggled to myself because he was sitting by his mother but asked me.

In my Friday night class of young teens I have two very active students: Crazy Kevin and Victor. Between the two, there is never a dull moment. Last week, Victor introduced me to a new phrase, "Oh my Lady Gaga." I don't know where they get his things...

Since February is the month of Chinese New Year, (Spring Festival), a lot of families go out of town for the entire month to their home towns. That means in a lot of our classes maybe two or three students show up, but the closer to CNY it got, the more classes were just cancelled. Anyway, the kids hate it when there is only two or three (and so do the teachers.) Most activities are meant for 10 students or more so it throws things off a bit when it isn't a full class. I had three show up last Saturday. It was 4:00 and the end of the Winter Course so I'm equally unenthusiastic about class. I promised the students if they got through the book work and grammar points quickly that we would have fun. They cooperated and in return we spent the entire second hour making treasure maps. We had some off white construction paper, purple ink and a lighter. They were thrilled to use the lighters to burn their paper. However, I had to teach them all how to use the lighters, ha. I suppose it's a good thing they didn't know how to use a lighter. Anyway, each time one lit the lighter we all clapped. At the end I asked if they had fun. In unison they said, "so much." And the maps turned out awesome, too!

 
 
 

 

Lastly, In my Monday night favorite class, I have been focusing on their reading skills and trying to find fun ways to do so. This week I blew up 10 balloons and shoved sentences inside them. They had to pop the balloon and read the question or sentence. Watching them pop the balloons was a riot. They were scared to use the pin and whichever two weren't popping had their ears plugged running about the class. Also, I'm so pleased with their reading skills. I almost cried! 
When I was saying goodbye to them on the last day of class before the holiday break. I said, "No, Teacher Amie next Monday." They said, "No Teacher Yasmin on Thursday." I asked them, "Are you sad?" Elaine said, "No Teacher Amie, yes." And that, readers, is why they are my favorites. 

 

 
 

Context.

The stench of stale cigarettes exudes from his clothes. And the smell of a fresh cigarette releases from his mouth each time it opens. He is chubby by Chinese standards. His round cheeks reveal a constant state of happiness in his demeanor. He wears black framed glasses on his eyes and a five o' clock shadow on his chin line. His head is topped with not as much hair as once belonged there; this is evident from the circular balding spot just past the widow's peak hairline. He is probably mid forties. His name is Ming Grui Lu.
He starts bits of conversation with me and I respond as best I can. I asked if he spoke English and he said a little, followed by the list of things he knew: thank you, do you know, goodbye, my name is, and a few more basics. I then responded (in Chinese) that I know the same amount of Chinese like: how much is this, my name is, I'm American, thank you and goodbye. We both let out a little chuckle at each other's expense. We were having a conversation neither of us were certain the other could understand, ha.
Nonetheless, we are quick to become friends (péngyou) even though I speak little-to-no Chinese and he, little-to-no English. But this is a common experience for me in China. Most Chinese adore foreigners. They are fascinated by us. We're exotic and mysterious creatures to them, just as they are to us. It's just curiosity, as I've said many times before. A lot of foreigners find it annoying that Chinese stare and frustrating when they attempt communication, even after we tell them we don't understand (wǒ bù míngbái) or that we don't speak Chinese.
Because Mandarin is a very complicated language to speak, the Chinese are blown away when lǎowài (foreigner) speak it. If you can carry a conversation past ni hao they often mistake you for fluent. It's flattering to me and I've actually learned a lot of my Chinese this way.
In the blog I wrote a few weeks ago about communicating with my Chinese and Columbian friends in their language I believe I mentioned that, although I can't always respond, I understand a lot of what they are saying based on context.
Meeting Ming Grui Lu on the train today reminded me to write this blog. He reminded me how much two people can communicate if they simply listen and are patient enough to wait for understanding.
Since most conversations between a foreigner and a local are pretty routine I can now carry an entire semi-decent conversation with cab drivers and my neighbors in elevator rides (I live on the 25th floor).
Keeping in mind that the part of Local is said in Mandarin and the part of Laowai is said in very butchered Mandarin, here is a rough script of the average conversation:

Local: "hello!"
Laowai: "hello. How are you?"
Local: "you speak Chinese?"
Laowai: "a little"
Local: "beautiful girl," or "you are beautiful."
Laowai: "thank you."
Local: "what country are you from?" (And sometimes they will just ask, "are you American?")
Laowai: "I'm American."
Local: "what are you doing here?"
Laowai: "I'm a teacher."
Local: "English?"
Laowai: "yes"
Local: "teacher. Very good." (With a thumbs up.)

And then they usually ask something else and I just say I don't understand.There are very few other conversations I understand in Chinese as of now. If I'm lucky, I arrive at my destination before the conversation reaches this point. Either way, I always say goodbye in Mandarin and they always say it in English. It's a nice exchange. :)
Going to the grocery store is also really good routine context knowledge. The clerk always asks if I have a member card, I say no and then she asks if I need a bag and I say no or tell her how many. It's a nice moment of competence for me, even if it's just memorization or routine.
A few weeks ago when I first started to realize how much I understand from my students when they speak Chinese, I began to keep a list.
In class, there is a "no Chinese" rule. However, when you are teaching students as young as four, they are still learning their own language so obviously they don't know how to say certain things in English. With my younger students I'm not too strict on the Chinese rule because communication is part of teaching. Often I will use my minimal Chinese skills to communicate what is expected (only if I don't have a TA). Anyway, by doing this, and by the sheer fact that the students instinctively speak Chinese first I have picked up many helpful contextual clues in the classroom.
1. When they need to go to the bathroom (there are many ways to say this in Mandarin and I only know how to say "toilet," ha). This one is easy because it is typically accompanied by a facial expression of urgency. Or, the crossing of the legs, "tee tee dance" movement.
2. "Look at this." The kids love to show you their stuff. I learned this from Luke because he brings a new toy car to class every Monday. Also, my Wendy is always showing me her newest bracelets. This one is mostly helpful in the personal aspect of my teaching and in those moments before class or during breaks when we bond.
3. "It doesn't work." This one is usually in reference to the markers that are always out of ink. The TA and I are trying to get them to say, "no ink." It'll catch on eventually...
4. "How do you spell?" This one has been my most successful so far. Once I understood what they were asking I was able to teach "How do you spell?," and that was a proud day for me!
In my beginning days in China, it was extremely frustrating teaching and communicating in the only language I know and not being understood. My students would speak Chinese to me and I would say, "I don't know" or "English please," with the older students and that was it. I didn't bother to stop and listen or look at what was being said. I was not patient, and I also was oblivious to the fact they might have been trying to tell or ask me something important. Now I will spend 15 minutes of class time understanding, then answering my students if I have to. Patience was something I thought I would never possess, and although I still lack it most days, I have at least managed to find it in my communication skills...

When Ming Grui Lu woke up from his five-hour nap, and I'd written all of the above part of this blog, it was night out. The only light outside the train windows were the vibrant sparks of color coming from the fireworks being shot in the distance.