The last several months were hard. Emotionally I was all over the place in true bipolar fashion. I took numerous 360 degree spins.
I'm known for being the wild card be it in my friend, family or work circle. I will often say exactly what's on my mind and censor myself for no one.
As a temporarily retired drifter, I often feel like I live a double life in many ways. Amie abroad is spontaneous, wild, carefree and so on. Amie back home is all of those things, but with responsibilities, commitments and a reputation.
Back home people expect my quirky, odd, eccentric ways. However, they also expect me to calm down, keep a steady job, get married and start a family. No matter where we come from, wherever our hometown, there are expectations. In hometowns people expect us to do certain things, have certain things and communicate with certain people. This is hard, for anyone who has ever spent significant amounts of time away from their hometown, you know the struggle is real.
One of my favorite things about living abroad was I was exactly who I wanted to be in every moment of every day. The odds of ever seeing 99% of the humans you met abroad again were slim.
It is hard to know I will always be Amie, but it is harder being Amie and knowing I can't always be "Wander Woman."
When I was traveling, people were fascinated with every aspect of my life: what I ate, wore, saw, smelt. It never dawned on me how extraordinary it all was. I was just blowing my savings, making memories, avoiding commitment and having a damn good time. It wasn't abnormal to me.
Since I came home I've gradually felt I've become less special, less unique, less adventurous. I know this isn't accurate, but it's affected me in ways I never expected. I felt I had nothing to write about, nothing to take photos of and nothing to tell stories about except, "that one time when I was ...."
As humans, we want it all. I want to be in a different city every day eating ethnic foods and meeting strangers. I also want to marry the man of my dreams, buy a house, start a family, create a home and have my own children to inspire and give wings to.
It is difficult and beyond any words to explain the value of the self I found while traveling, exploring and disregarding all responsibility and consequences. It is hard to have lived and loved in so many places. It is hard to be homesick in your hometown. It is hard to feel out of place and lost. And it is hard to feel like you are losing the person you worked so hard to become.
In January, when one year hit, I became aggressively homesick for China. Jasmine got married and is expecting a baby. All of which I'll miss. I also missed so much more with other friends that isn't my business to share. I wanted to go back, yet I wanted to stay here. And so began the process of racking my brain and getting stuck in my head wondering WTF was going on? Was I stuck? Was I happy? Was I alone? Was I misunderstood? Was I ever going to leave the country again? Was I ok with this?
I let life get in the way. Worse, I was slowly slipping back to the girl I left behind here five years ago. I let people control my behavior, I let my job stress me out, and I let people's negativity get under my skin.
I pushed and neglected someone who loves me in the way I've only ever dreamt about because I was afraid. I fought the inevitable because I was scared. I cried and yelled until I finally took a breath and stepped back.
So here's my decision. Of course I'm staying. I'm staying home for as long as myself deems it necessary. For as long as myself prospers. For as long as myself loves. For as long as myself can fight the urge to run and fly. I've clipped my wings and am no longer a bird in search of winter harborage. I had my happy place all along, but I needed to leave it for a bit to grasp my own understanding of home and the knowledge that home is a feeling, not a place. Home can be tangible or intangible. Home can and will be wherever I am.
I will forever be homesick for China and the aggressiveness that comes with that will dwindle over time. I will lose complete touch with some of the most impactful people I've ever known. Life will go on, though.
This is what I've clanged to the last few months. You'll always miss some one you met. A place you've been. An act you did. A thing you saw. A food you ate. A holiday celebrated. A wonder you witnessed. But above all of these, you'll miss who you were most. Travel changes us all, but the one common factor is we're never who we always are during or after having seen the stars in a place not our origin.
Travel is a release; physically, mentally, emotionally and for some, even spiritually. You see, hear and do things in a different light. We embrace in things out of our comfort zones. We talk to more strangers than we'd be comfortable speaking to in our own town of residence. We look at the ordinary of others in an extraordinary way. We can realize the luxuries of others and also the luxuries of our own afford.
By the time I'd reached China, I'd given up on finding the purpose within my journey. I'd simply continued traveling because I could. Also, I didn't realize at the time that an adventure is only complete once you've made the journey, not reached the destination. The journey, in fact, is the destination.
We all know my decision to stay was well made when I returned home last December, however, I've only recently come to terms with it. I will never wonder what I missed out on. I will never wonder what I could've done instead. Ever. I did everything I wanted to do and more for years.
More than a year ago, when I left China I wanted to write this blog but it never quite fell into place until now. Now that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be and am building a life with exactly who I'm supposed to build a life with.
My adventures will be different from now one. They won't necessarily include backpacks, water bottles and picture maps. Adventure is also a feeling. A feeling I plan to hang onto a little tighter and not let life take over.
Life will always challenge and push us. That is the sole purpose of existence. We will struggle more than once to keep intact who we are and I think that's ok as long as we always find our way back.
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