Moving home is a huge step for many reasons, but most importantly, to see if the Amie I've become can thrive in her natural habitat as well. It's easy to be new and different when we are amongst strangers in a foreign land.
I will forever have a nostalgia for China and the life I've built here and the experiences I've endured, but I will never be nostalgic for myself. I will persevere in whatever I do because I want to and it truly is that simple.
The thing is I'll miss a lot, but I'll treasure it and remember it. And although some stuff are not things I ever did before, they became a part of my daily life. I don't have to let them go forever. When I was home in May, it was just a holiday. I was back talking with a twang in no time and I picked up and threw back the same ol' brew. My concern now is submerging in a foreign land again. I have a certain lifestyle in China that evolved when I was here and I lost chunks of the lifestyle I came from. Although Louisiana is home and where I come from, I see it differently now. In China I am a foreigner, and for awhile, I foresee I will remain a foreigner in Louisiana as well.
When I got to China, in training we were introduced to the concept of culture shock. In a nutshell this is all of the stuff you don't understand, know or have in your own countries. Basically, you're shocked at some of the revelations you uncover, but you live here and now you must deal with them. With culture shock comes reverse culture shock, or the after effects of living abroad. Here's a breakdown of how I believe it will pan out.
I will always know how to be with my family, jog with my dog, eat Southern Maid Donuts, find my way through the dirt roads, and read English.
What I won't know is how to interact with strangers who speak English and don't need me to grade my language, speak slowly or use my hands. (Of course I am with and have met other Americans in China, but here we habitually communicate this way for the most part.) I won't know which items to choose at a WalMart or Target because there will be far too many options. In a restaurant, I won't do well being asked what toppings I want, how I want my steak cooked or which kind of beans do I want. I've relied on pointing to pictures of food for 18 months and hoping for the best. I won't know how much things really cost because my brain knows converting RMB to USD, not USD to RMB so I can't compare the difference in prices. My basic manners such as: "excuse me, sorry, thank you, hello and goodbye" will come out in Chinese for several weeks. And although I've kept all of my kind habits like holding doors, smiling at strangers, waving at neighbors and giving my seat to someone else, I'll be surprised when the large majority of the population does these things for or to each other. Although it's familiar territory, the city will have altered and undergone construction in some places, and I'll be lost a lot. Taxis don't really exist, and neither does walking to should be nearby places like the supermarket, work, restaurants, etc. I'll need to learn to judge time differently when planning my day and commute because I'll drive, not navigate underground and by foot. All of my friends and family in Louisiana will be awake and asleep at the same hours as me, but my friends in China will not. I will have to switch the people I communicate with during the day and night via WeChat and FaceTime. I'll need to use regular text messaging, and re learn SnapChat and Twitter. All the things I missed doing that gave me independence like paying bills and writing checks I will have to re learn (not credit cards, but electricity, water, and stuff). I won't need to turn a VPN on every time I fire up my computer. I'll be expected to know and indulge in all the things I did before I left, but maybe those things no longer interest or entertain me. The jokes that were once funny, will probably not amuse me. It's overwhelming to be asked a bunch of questions about the place you love dearly and have someone be utterly clueless about it, so please don't bombarde me. I'll be uncertain about emotions and responses to conversations that used to be so routine. I'll laugh as we re hash memories, but maybe inside I won't remember why it was so funny at the time. I'll want culture, diversity, language and adventure so maybe I'll be a bit blue about the mundaneness at times, but I won't mean to offend you. And this doesn't mean I'm unhappy.
Most of these are all small habits in the grand scheme of things I know, but for me this is like going back to caterpillar and becoming a butterfly again. Because although I'm not afraid I'm still extremely nervous.
After a night of ugly crying to my best friend and losing my composure, I'm officially ready to come home. I know I made the decision months ago, but I never had the mentality. I was so concerned about what job I'd land. How I'd get there. Where I was going to live. How long would people help and support me before it became an inconvenience. The usual things that come with a big move I suppose. However, after the combination of a little meditation, tears and wine, I'm ready. I cannot control my future. I can simply show up and participate in what it is I desire, but I needn't fret over it.
What I love about China is often a 360 from what I love about home. I compiled the following lists to show what I'm looking forward to about coming home and what I'll miss and not miss about China. Also, I hope it helps you understand how truly different the world is, especially when you jump hemispheres. Not only the differences, but how there is a major difference in traveling and living abroad.
What I'm looking forward to.
-Air so fresh it's like landing on an undiscovered planet.
-Being barefoot. More so, being barefoot in my own home.
- Driving (If I still remember how). I can't wait to blast some old country and roll the windows down.
- All of the little things that now seem huge: drinking water from the tap, toilets, bath tubs, central heating and air, dryers, outlets that don't require an adapter, uncensored Internet, English.
- The food: Southern Maid Donuts, Johnny's Pizza, Doritos and Mountain Dew.
- The obvious: My family, my friends and my pets. Let's throw in running with my dog here. :)
-The fuss over Mardi Gras, but more importantly, King Cake.
-The things I never realized were such a large part of my life until I left them: domestic beer, honky tonks, BOOTS. But the bigger things like brick houses and trailer parks. There are only apartments here, and if you live in a hutong it's in a crowded space. There are no houses on acres here.
-The countryside and the dirt roads that lead there. Bonfires and sitting on porches. That sort of thing...
-Lastly, being understood when I use an ism, slang or metaphor that was clearly born in the South and not meant to be understood by outsiders.
What I'll miss
-Aside from the over crowding problem, public transportation is fantastic. It's super convenient and one of the few ways I was still given my independence.
-The hutongs. Excluding the smells, there is something majestic about them. So homey. So simple.
-The feeling of being unique. In the beginning, and again toward the end, the stares were annoying and sometimes invasive, but people stare because they're fascinated. Curiosity is in abundance between foreigners and locals here.
- The fresh vegetables from the markets. I'm talking fresh out of the dirt and needing 15 minutes to wash it away fresh.
- Obviously the authentic Chinese food. Even if made by a Chinese-American, the ingredients will never match. And there is no spicy like certain provinces here.
- Seeing, learning and experiencing something new every day. I think that happens in one's daily life regardless of location, but it's never as exotic as when living in a foreign land. Everything is fascinating. Like wtf are you selling this for in your convenient store, and how the hell did you get Cool Ranch Doritos and are they authentic?
- The neighborhood feeling among foreigners. --- "Hey man, I've never seen you before but you're not Chinese. Let's politely nod or wave at each other just because."
-While it has it's frustration, I'll miss the daily communication in another language. I'll forever speak while using my hands.
-Street sleepers. People just nap anywhere and everywhere and no one cares or bothers them. They're not homeless, just taking a break. It's always been my favorite site here. Viva la siesta :)
-Being able to walk almost anywhere within 20-30 minutes and there always being a sidewalk or pedestrian pathway.
What I won't miss
-The toxic air. The dirty air that's completely fixable or at least there are alternatives but the government refuses to spend the money. Cheapskates.
-The constant cloud of second hand smoke. Even on non polluted, blue sky days, the air is a cloud of cigarette molecules.
- Being the only hare in a population of tortoises. Even on a patient day, the speed at which humans move here drives me bonkers.
- The lack of patience. The constant push and shove of getting on and off of public transportation. Like bro, another train will be here in three minutes tops.
- In regards to the above, the lack of personal space. There is no concept of it among Chinese.
- Haggling. If I go to a store I will see the price tag. If I want it I'll buy it. If it's too much, I won't. End of story. Haggling is practically a favorite pastime here, one which I do not enjoy participating in.
-Lack of traffic rules and regulations. In general, the traffic. Y'all just think New York is crowded. Beijing is triple NY's size so you can use your imagination on the traffic scene.
-Not understanding certain cultural norms. I love the diversity, but there are certain things that will never make sense or be explainable and it's frustrating.
-People holding their children in the air spread eagle to pee when there's a bathroom feet away.
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