Mizpah

I. Dedication
Bobbers,
This one is for you, on your 26th birthday. May the year turn around and be the best one of your life. I told you I couldn't write you a blog, but I suppose I can in a way. After all, you're the inspiration behind this one. It's not solely about you, but I will dedicate it to you in your honor because that's the least I can do on your day of birth. 
Anyone who has the pleasure (or honor) to call you a friend needn't read about your magnificent qualities in words written by little ol' me because I promise they are aware of each and every greatness you possess. 
You've been a rescuer to me many times. From physically coming to drive me home when drunk at the bar in college or giving me the inspirational pep talks you do lately; you're a true pal, kid. 
Since the beginning, I've seen your kind heart. And aside from my dad, I've known few men with a heart as golden as yours. I truly believe you're one of the world's greatest people and I forever hope your shoulder will always be there for my tears, and that my "honest" words can be there for you. I'll close before getting too sappy with one of my favorite quotes. In the words of S.E. Hinton, via Johnny Cade, "Stay golden, Ponyboy." ;) 
All my love,
Ames 

 

II. Notice: This blog is a bit all over the place, but I hope you can keep up with my ADD. 

III. Background
I graduated from Louisiana Tech University in November 2012. I never thought I'd get there. I had it mostly figured out, too. Find a job. That was my biggest plan. Find a job for a year and then apply to grad school and continue toward a successful career from there.
By late December all motivation and future plans had altered. Significantly. I was getting no where closer to a job that didn't involve slingin' dishes and coming home with cash.
I needed change. A lot of it. And I've been looking for it ever since.
The only thing I promised myself in all that time was I would be selfish and never say no to myself like I'd done for so long. So far I haven't. And although I've nearly reached an end to this journey, I've yet to say no. I realize there are some people I've hurt along the way.
I've always been the optimist. The friend friends seek for advice and motivation. I've always been able to tell others the things I cannot tell myself. And even through the distance, I've done my best to be there.
I pride myself on being confident. Not physically necessarily, but in what I say or do. Anything said is a choice and any action taken is a choice.
There are countless words spoken and actions taken in the past three years I should regret. However, throughout this time is when I came to realize, "everything happens for a reason."
If any one of those past choices had been different I'm not certain I'd be sittin' on a bus in Beijing, China at this moment.
I encourage and support a proactive lifestyle. The fearless kind.
When I was home I visited family in Alabama and commented on a discussion that I was afraid of heights. My aunt was surprised and curious how I could fear anything. I knew what she meant because I'm a wanderer.
Just because I do things and make moves others find frightening doesn't mean I'm fearless. I'm flattered at the thought but I live in fear daily (about a random culmination of things).
Through it all I've become a new person. A happier person. There is a lot of 2012 Amie left, but 2015 Amie has a different attitude and perspective on life. I suppose I'm just grown up Amie now as opposed to naive, college Amie. Maybe no one ever really finds who they are or what they are supposed to do, but at least I won't have regrets.
I know there are things to be ashamed of. And had you told 1990-2012 Amie what I'd do, I'd called you crazy. Now there are things I'll roll over in my own grave for, but those choices brought me here. That may not be your belief system, but it is mine and it does wonders for my sleep. 
I've embraced the fact that I'm young, wild and free. I've learned to embrace the fact that my vocabulary could make a sailor blush, that my decisions frighten my family, that my mouth may get me shot some day.
Most of all, I've embraced that my actions are done in a childlike fashion. While my friends are having children, I'm still buying coloring books for myself. While everyone is getting married, I find comfort in a Netflix marathon of One Tree Hill. While my friends are buying homes and cars, I'm buying a $30 train ticket to the middle of nowhere. Many  people my age are concerned with their "adult" demeanor, meanwhile, I still scream "puppy!" or "kitty!" every time I see a critter, accompanied by a hop, skip or jump.  
If I never did anything right in life, I'll at least die saying I've remained maybe idiotic, but myself, and I love that person. Finally!

2012 Amie

2012 Amie

IV. Today 
Since returning to China for my second year nearly two months ago, I haven't been in the same mindset. I've also been franticly busy between work, tutoring and moving. All is well, it's just a bit of adjusting all over again. I'd grown comfortable with the life I had in China before visiting home in May. 
Lately, I've been debating my level of selfishness. As a friend, and more so as a daughter/family member. (Again, I have no regrets, but I still have a conscience).
In China, you all know my best friend and roomie, Gurpreet. We split ways this year and are both having trouble adjusting to the distance. A distance that is only about 30 minutes via the subway. We've become each other's sole leaner here. We rely on each other for knowledge, support and friendship. He is my family here, and I his. My mom checks up on him, just as she does with me. 
This week we had a sleepover accompanied by a couple bottles of wine to hash out the one week we've been apart. In conversation I discussed the recent feelings I've come to. 
I unintentionally hurt myriads of people. Men from fear. Friends from fear. And family, from, you guessed it, fear. 
For the first time in my life, I am relieved from the past I thought would always haunt me. For once I've been able to think with my heart again and not my head. For once I was happy at home. And for once I'm making future decisions that are less temporary. 

V. Mizpah
Now, lately I'm not much on religion as far as daily prayers and Bible studies, however, my mission in China was eat, pray and love, in a soul searching fashion. Which I've done quite well at. 
I came across a quote on Pinterest describing Mizpah as the bond between people separated by distance. So, I researched it a bit more. 
By biblical definition, Mizpah, means "look out." It's a Hebrew word which translates to "watchtower." Also, Mizpeh can be found throughout the Bible as a city name. (The distinction is apparently a bit blurry.)
Basically, somewhere in Genesis, Jacob and a guy named Laban made a covenant pact and built a stone monument (mizpeh) as a meeting ground between their locations. 
Later in the Bible, somewhere in the Old Testament between Joshua and 1Samuel, this Mizpeh, earlier created by Jacob and Laban, became a central religious meeting ground or something for Israel. Here, these people renewed their religious vows and rededicated to their faith so to speak. 
I don't think I've failed my friends yet, but this blog should serve as a mizpeh to you all. Reinforcing the fact I need each and every one of you, distance or no distance. 

VI. Mizpah, Part II
Definition: The deep emotional bond between people, especially those separated by distance or death.
Bob, as you've already read, is a gem of a friend. Here is where his inspiration for the blog comes to light. He and I communicate daily. Sometimes it's one o' clock in the morning his time, sometimes the reverse. Regardless, we work damn hard on our friendship. Same with all of my other American posse. 
Bob named the time difference the GAP. When signing off, we say, "Another win for the GAP." We coined, "mornight" for our greeting since it's always morning and night on one end or the other.  
As I mentioned in a previous blog dedicated to my friends, I single-handedly couldn't have picked a better gang. In another blog, I wrote about the struggles of living overseas, and how life is not a vacation simply because I live abroad. If it weren't for my friends and family, here or there, I'd probably find a corner, curl into a ball and die. 
I bitch about missing them on the bad days, but they've got the hard part. Especially my family. I never go to sleep at night wondering if my daughter is OK. I think the easiest part for my parents may be that during their day I'm sleeping, so they at least know I'm safe then. I never worry about their whereabouts, because I know the territory they reside in. Do I miss them? Like hell. Everyday. Some days more than others. Each day separated by distance only offers more love and admiration for my friends and family. 
The random voice messages from my dad to tell me he's going fishing after a long week at work. The videos from my mom of my dog and cats. The constant WeChats from friends I wake up to in the mornings. The Skypes, FaceTimes and video calls. The random tags on social media form others just letting me know they're thinking of me. You have no idea what five words or less from home can mean on any given day away.
I'll miss more things with my friends and family. That's life. I'm learning to deal with it through writing, but I don't think it'll ever get easier. 
In recent days I've been contemplating this fact: it was hard as hell to leave, but the harder part seems to be coming home. The bond I have between my family and friends is mizpah. But now that I've lived so many lives, with so many people from around the world, even when I return home, there will always be mizpah...