I'm feeling a bit nostalgic so bare with me because this blog might be all over the place, but I assure you it has a point and a purpose.
The first blog I ever wrote was, "The Pink Lady." Although she was a stranger to me, she made quite the impression as she was the one who inspired me to begin blogging. And I daresay she was quite the hit among my readers.
To quickly sum up "The Pink Lady," she was a 60-something-year-old woman who was fighting her third bat of cancer with the utmost optimism and grace.
This morning's WeChat message from my mom asked if I was awake yet because they were at the hospital...
My cousin Amy has been fighting Kidney Cancer for the past year. Because cancer seems to be taking over the world in a hideous manner, I think at this stage of the game we all know someone (even if just through someone else) who has become victim to the the devil that walks earth under the alias of "Cancer." I think the diagnosis alone can often take five years off the strongest person's life.
Often times cancer, no matter the kind, consumes the life of it's host in the worst way. They become weak and fragile. But not Amy...
I come from a long line of strong women, physically, mentally and emotionally. We laugh when we shouldn't and sometimes we cuss a bit too much (me more than any of them). We stick to our guns. We always keep family first and we defend them, even the crazy ones. We speak our minds. You get the idea...
My maternal side of the family is quite large thanks to the seven great aunts and uncles between my Granny and Pawpaw. Keep in mind each of them had at least two children and each of their children have at least two children. But we're southern so let's be realistic, most have more. :) Anyway, Amy is my second cousin so I suppose that's extended family. But since I can name up to my third and fourth cousins, she isn't as extended as most. And because I don't keep up with rankings, she is simply my family. .
My family is huge, but we're close. Like every family, people grow up and have their own families so it becomes difficult to manage seeing everyone regularly. And although each family within the big picture of my kinfolks is constantly growing, somehow, we always managed this, usually with a fish fry, a bonfire or a BBQ. You miss a few years in between and maybe their kids are four instead of one now, but you pick up where you left off the last time you saw each other.
You tell the Ace Hardware story every time you're together because it never gets old. My aunts and uncles talk about former family functions when their aunts and uncles were drinking and someone did this or someone said that. It's just a big "remember when" gathering and it's beautiful every time.
Because our family is so large, there is never a shortage in gatherings. And when something bad happens, we're always there, no matter how far.
I know Amy sees that now. My mom assures me there is a room full of people by my dear cousin's side at all times. I don't doubt it for a second. I've always known how lucky I am to have such a large family, because when life gets hard, they're there. And because there is never a dull conversation with my family, you can distract yourself from the real reason you're all gathered in a hospital room.
When my Pawpaw died I remember that I never saw my Granny cry. This was because she is the matriarch of our clan and she had to keep the rest of us functional. At this point she needed to be strong for the rest of us. I say that to say, right now, Amy doesn't need to be strong for her family. And she isn't choosing to be strong; she simply is strong. The fact that she has remained Amy through this year means she didn't lose her battle with cancer, it means she kicked it's ass because she never let it take her spirit.
Amy,
I can't visit you with the rest of our family and a FaceTime peak at your smiling face just didn't seem like enough for someone such as you. I'm not good with goodbyes, and I'm surprisingly terrible at finding the right words to say, so this is why I write.
So here is what I couldn't say the other day...
You are a beautiful soul, and I don't say that because we're family and I have to, I say that because of what you give our family. At the next fish fry or BBQ, I promise you'll be the center of conversation. You'll be the aunt or cousin we tell funny stories about. Because that's all a family gathering is isn't it? Telling the stories of the ones we love. The ones who are hardest to lose because they bring so much spark.
Last night a friend told me he loved the energy I bring to a room, and until this morning, I didn't realize it but it's either genetic or comes with the name because you do the same. :)
You told mama you were proud of me for being in China, and I want to return the compliment by saying I'm proud of you for winning.
Remember the other day when I told you about my students calling me "Big Amie," well, I hope I can be half the Big Amie to someone as you, my Big Amy, are to us. Thank you for all the July 4ths at your beautiful home and more importantly, thank you for setting the bar so high for this Little Amie.
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This blog may be morbid, and if that's how you see it then it isn't for you. This blog is for Amy, my cousin who beat cancer. And for our family who will lose more life than Amy by losing her. I love you and I wish you peace.
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