To those I've met...

There are two moments which lead to the completion of this blog. The first brief, the most recent and as follows...

I'm waiting for Jasmine. We're going to the same Chinese place we always go to. It's kind of our spot, so I like to think. I'm leaning on a railing on the corner of Dongzhimen South Alley and Hayuncang Hutong. Neither street holds significance to me, nor anyone else in this city I imagine. It's just where I'm meeting her, and where we've crossed many times. 

The second moment is much longer...

It's 12:04 a.m., Wednesday, September 2nd.
I have no idea where I am. There's a long stretch of highway in my front and red lights blurred by thick fog. To the left, outside the window, is the metal railing that follows any median of long highway stretches.
The car is a black SUV. I'm on a road trip in China. We entered Hebei Province about two hours ago on our way to a small beach town called Lètíng.
To my right is Samantha, or more fondly known as simply, Sam. She is my sidekick in Beijing. My co-worker, but my friend first. My true opposite. She's the one the saying, "couldn't hurt a fly" was coined for. She has the calmest disposition, purest thoughts and kindest manners. Yet somehow, we manage to be the best of friends here in China.
In front of Sam, in the passenger seat, is Kelly. She is a former co-worker, but forever friend to us both. Kelly is a few years older, therefore wiser. And in true Chinese form, she's the most motherly person I know. Always concerned, and always pushing and getting her way. She has a hard past, especially by Chinese standards, but she is one of the toughest, most beautiful and appreciative humans I've ever met. Her honesty, even if it's insulting you, is her beauty.
To her right, my front, in the driver's seat, is Shao. I met him at approximately 9:30 p.m. when we embarked on this mini adventure.
Kelly and Shao are just talking away, in Mandarin. I can understand about every 18th word, but I'm intrigued, nonetheless. They're just two old friends talking about anything and everything. Or for all I know, talking about nothing at all.
It never bothers me that I don't speak Chinese, except I wish I could talk to Shao and learn about him cause I am obsessed with strangers, of course. I'm intrigued by language and the fact that I see two humans engaged in conversation using words completely unknown to me. It's just a bizarre, fascinating thing.
It's moments like these I hate knowing I won't live in China forever. It's also these same moments that bring me to the reality that I'm actually living in China. This is my home. I have my friends and a life here. I don't dwell too much on the fact that it's in China because I've become comfortable in my Chinese shoes.

The thing I love most about living abroad is meeting others doing the same. Not only because they have incredible stories and adventures of their own, told through exotic accents, but because if I'd never met them I'd never know all the types of people capable of being loved or capable of loving me.
What do I mean?
Among foreigners, we are all in the same boat in some way or another. We don't usually see color, we navigate butchered English better than most and we don't give a shit who you worship or voted for. We don't care if you like country, rap or rock n' roll. We don't care what sports team you love, but if you like sports we can talk for hours. We don't care what you drive, what you wear or what you do recreationally.
Abroad, humans are humans and that's it.
I began this blog almost eight months ago. I was going through a really emotionally tough time, then I remembered how many people I had here with me. I began writing them each a piece of thanks and love. I've been back and forth to it on how to word it, start it and so on. And finally I have landed here. 
It all boils down to this:
Yesterday, on the way home from another marvelous adventure, I told Kelly, "I wish I hated China so leaving wouldn't be so hard." We both knew that was a lie. If I'd hated China, I wouldn't have embraced the situations I did. I wouldn't have discovered my own ambitions. I wouldn't have seen the things I've seen. I wouldn't appreciate a world that wasn't mine. And most importantly, I wouldn't have become part of that world. 

I don't believe we choose our friends, but we can choose which ones we keep. Just as I've written to my friends back home, seeing as I basically have a double life, I want to dedicate something to my friends and family abroad.
Here is who I've fallen in love with along the way. The ones who have inspired and motivated me in ways unimaginable. Some are still with me in China and some have journeyed on. All of whom I'm sure I'd never even bothered talking to if I was home with my long time friends.

Gurpreet - from day one I knew I'd love you. I don't know why, but like you said, there was a feeling. Then two months passed and your quirks were driving me bonkers, as were mine bothering you. We were patient and waited it out. Now, I can't imagine the past year without you. I am literally afraid of the day you and I will no longer be a subway ride away. You're my best friend. I love your honesty. Like when I ask you, "Do these pants make my butt look big?," and your response is, "yes, but in a good way." I feel completely carefree and open with you. Thank you for being patient with me and always reminding me, "don't worry." For the late night talks and the daytime walks. For the peanut butter and jelly sandwich you left on my bed when I came home drunk that night. :) You said I bought a one-way ticket into your life, well you bought one into mine, too. I know our lives don't end in China and I hope the distance isn't too tough on our soft hearts. I love you, babe! 

 

 



Jazz- the absolute best of the best. My boo! Truly the greatest person I could have ever met here. From day five of TEFL to now, you're my greatest companion. And to think it all began because you thought I was cool and I said you were pretty. Girls... ;)
Thank you for the huge things like always helping me with any and everything I can't do as a laowai with very limited Mandarin. And all the small things, too. For all of the lunches, dinners, coffees, desserts and sleepovers. For the days spent walking and shopping. For reminding me to bring an umbrella cause it looks like rain. For just being the ideal girl bestie. I can't imagine life without our weekly catch-ups, but I'll be waiting for you to get your ass to America! I love you forever, boo! I can't wait to see what amazing things you'll do in this life! xoxoxo

 

 

 

 


Alicia, mi Venezuelan amor. I don't even know where to begin with you, mama. In just two short months we'd learned it all of each other. You had my back and I yours. We were gushing about crushes, crying about the past and drinking for the moment. You showed me loyalty and honesty in an incredibly short amount of time. I had the best holiday of my life with you where we learned when, and when not to communicate, ha. We struggled through with minimal Chinese skills and zero idea of anything really, but in the end, everything worked out. You taught me patience and my new life motto, "you can't get lost if you don't know where you are going." You said this jokingly when we rode our bikes in Yangshuo that day, but I've applied it to real life many days since. You helped me with learning to live more in the moment, rather than the past, and I aspire to be as adventurous and courageous as you. I met you at a bad time and you just happened to be the perfect solution. You have so many more adventures headed your way and I cannot wait to see them. :) xoxo

 

 
 

 

Daniel - Thank you for "pizza, movies and Colombians" when I was homesick. Thanks for putting up with all my obnoxious American ways. You've introduced me to a new life philosophy, "that's it." Because in the end, it really is just that, isn't it? I thank you for your gentleness and patience and simply being there to listen. Most of all, thanks for being weirder than me you over-thinking loon! ;) 

He doesn't like photos much and only took this one cause it was my birthday, ha! 

Esteban y Juan (because I've always viewed you as a duo) - I know we wouldn't have been close without the introduction but I'm so thankful to have had y'all these last few months. I'm always included and welcomed with y'all. I love playing the role of little sister and being looked after by you two teddy bears even though we all know Miami could handle it ;) I always feel at home with you guys. Te amo mucho amigos! Hasta luego en Medellin! 

 

Jill - From the beginning you listened. We connected instantly and although our times together were brief and sporadic, you were my first girl friend in China. You will forever have a special place in my heart. You took me as I was and I love you so much! You are an incredibly bright, beautiful and generous woman. Oh, and let's not forget how ridiculously funny and entertaining you are. Stay golden, babe! :) 



Sam- I mentioned all your great qualities and my views of above, but at the end of the day, I'm just lucky you continue to put up with me. You're like a little sister and always up for anything. Thanks for listening, and more importantly for never judging. You are going to do AMAZING things in this life, sweet girl! 

        

Kelly- As a tough broad with a large heart for others, you're the one I can relate to most. You're honest and maybe some would say harsh, but you've got a heart the size of China. I'm familiar with the tough love thing so we connect there.
  

      
Gretch- Thanks for being one hell of a friend-boss. For playing mom when I needed to hear the facts and for being a friend when I needed to hear the truths. You see straight through me and I wouldn't have made it this long without beers, burgers and your confidence and push in me! (Doesn't take photos :))


I have met loads of people and I have many other friends, but the above are the ones I know I'll see in the future. Maybe years in between, only through Skypes and WeChats. Or maybe the only place they'll have in my future is in my heart. After all, from here on out I'm the Amie I became in China and each of them are owed some portion of a thanks for molding her... So to all of you: Thank you! Gracias! Xie Xie! :)



Special mention to everyone pictured below and being a part of some of my best memories in Beijing!!! :) 

               

Book Two

Quotes truly motivate, inspire and remind me. I have several referencing life to books and living the best chapters, the next chapters and so on. 
Well, I stopped re-reading old chapters of my life. So much so I've finished a book and reached the time for book two of life. 

Today I made the third most difficult decision of my life. I put in my 12 weeks notice of resignation at work. I've written out the pros and cons of staying and the same for going. At the end of every day, for the past three months since returning to China, the pros of leaving have always won. That's when I knew the book was finished. 

So, where am I going next you ask? South America? Maybe join the peace corps? Africa?
Nope... I'm simply going home to Louisiana.
Why end the greatest adventure of my life you ask? The answer is simple. All good things must come to an end, and I am choosing to end mine by my own hands. End it before a positive experience becomes a negative one. Before work becomes more work than enjoyable, before China becomes too comfortable I don't find the fun oddities and cultural surprises in each day. 

Also, because I came here searching. I've found what I needed, wanted and much more. China will forever be a fragile part of who I am, and I choose to keep it in that sacred bubble of wonderful. 

I am not unhappy since returning to China. I'm still extremely pleased with my job, living arrangements, friends and family here. However, I've been homesick every day since returning. I don't know how the two have teamed up on me this long, but they're tearing at me well. I'm in a total state of mixed emotions about returning to the place I've been running from for so long and leaving the place where I found myself.

However, this time I'm not running. I'm simply going. It's time. Home is home and it deserves a second chance. When I was home in May was the first time in ages I remember being 100% happy and confident in who I'd become. So, I figure I owe it to home to return. I'll have my family and rock solid friends who've stood by me this long. But the ones I've gained along the way will be countries away...

Here lies the difficulties. I have three months to plan my return. Well, that should make life simpler, but for me, it's too much time. I was a runner. I've been going on blind ambition and good luck. It seems the past few years I've started with nothing and made it out alive, not always unscathed, though. I'll be going home to sleep on the couches of generous friends and family. I'll rely on public transportation and my thumb for getting around town. And hopefully there isn't a large theft rate of bikes in Shreveport. I'll have nothing, yet everything I need. I'll have support and ambition. With three months to plan I've actually created a budget, mapped out some possibilities and made some contacts. Crazy, I know.

At 25, I realize if I want to obtain a goal I've set, there needs to be a plan. I simply cannot wish, I want to do X and then X will come to me. I need to work toward X. Which, I suppose I've always been working toward X, but in my own backward way. I know what my end goal is. The key now is taking the necessary steps and waiting for each. This is a dream becoming a plan. Because if a dream has no plan, it is simply a dream.

Since, Book Two hasn't begun, I can only give a synopsis of what I hope it to be. I hope to find stability. Begin building a life for myself (more so than I already have). Buy a car, a sofa, a painting; whatever it is grown ups do. I intend to continue traveling in the summers and on holidays. I plan to take full advantage of holiday time and vow to never put work before happiness. I will continue to work in education. I will take tests, intern or whatever to get certified. Eventually I hope to obtain a master's and teach at the university level. I hope to publish a book, or two. This is what I hope, but we'll see. For now, here is what I've learned in Book One of life.

These three things combined generalize and attempt summing up the greatest lessons a twenty-something will learn. Together, the three helped me see, accomplish and inspire. 
People always ask, 'How'd you get here?,' or 'Why'd you do that?' and "Why did you go there?' I guess these are the best reasons I can come up with.
Not to re hash the past because I am beyond it. I use my past to help others change their own futures and choices when I can. Just because I can't change my choices in the past doesn't mean I can't help guide or re-direct others.


1. Because I got my heart broken.
- I developed fear. Of everything. Most of all, of humans.
- I'd forgotten what I like. What I wanted in life. Who I was. 
- I'd become bitter, even toward the people I loved most.
- I cried. A lot. And I realized it was just a lot of emotions leaving the body that weren't necessary to retain.

2. Because I fell in love
After heartbreak we swear off love of any kind. At least for awhile... Taking a chance again, I learned this:
- I searched for my soul. I searched through alcohol, drugs, strangers, writing, reading and in general, experience.
- I traveled the world (a good bit of it anyway). I learned who I was independently being away from everyone I knew or loved who could have some impression of a say so in who I was and what choices I made.
-I fell in love with myself. My true self. I'd lost the only person I was ever really supposed to love. I learned to never tell myself no and never do anything I didn't want to do again.

3. Because I got over it
- I learned to forgive others. Things happen and so do people. Every relationship is a two-way path, all we can do is our best and hope the same from the other end. We are all constantly changing and evolving so we cannot hold the past over their heads, or our own. Mistakes, lessons, whatever you want to cal them, take from them and proceed with caution into the future. 
- I was able to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the learning and searching that led to nothing more than baggage or scars. If you do not do the previous, you can't forgive yourself because chances are, someone else has a part in why you can't forgive yourself. Don't beat yourself up, you're only human. 
- I was able to go home. Where, at the end of the day, I'll always choose first. Regardless that it's the place that scares me the most. 
- I was able to write about it all. We make our own paths. Whether it's straight or rugged, it's ours and we should never be ashamed of our stories.

In life we have to make a lot of choices. Sometimes it's right, and sometimes it isn't. If I've learned anything in the past 13 months it's that if the choice is right, then drink. And if it was wrong, that's it. Wait it out and find the best in it. Choices don't define us. No one is perfect. We follow our hearts and sometimes the heart leads us astray for good reason. We just have to be patient enough to wait for that reason.