Well, I stopped re-reading old chapters of my life. So much so I've finished a book and reached the time for book two of life.
Today I made the third most difficult decision of my life. I put in my 12 weeks notice of resignation at work. I've written out the pros and cons of staying and the same for going. At the end of every day, for the past three months since returning to China, the pros of leaving have always won. That's when I knew the book was finished.
So, where am I going next you ask? South America? Maybe join the peace corps? Africa?
Nope... I'm simply going home to Louisiana.
Why end the greatest adventure of my life you ask? The answer is simple. All good things must come to an end, and I am choosing to end mine by my own hands. End it before a positive experience becomes a negative one. Before work becomes more work than enjoyable, before China becomes too comfortable I don't find the fun oddities and cultural surprises in each day.
Also, because I came here searching. I've found what I needed, wanted and much more. China will forever be a fragile part of who I am, and I choose to keep it in that sacred bubble of wonderful.
I am not unhappy since returning to China. I'm still extremely pleased with my job, living arrangements, friends and family here. However, I've been homesick every day since returning. I don't know how the two have teamed up on me this long, but they're tearing at me well. I'm in a total state of mixed emotions about returning to the place I've been running from for so long and leaving the place where I found myself.
However, this time I'm not running. I'm simply going. It's time. Home is home and it deserves a second chance. When I was home in May was the first time in ages I remember being 100% happy and confident in who I'd become. So, I figure I owe it to home to return. I'll have my family and rock solid friends who've stood by me this long. But the ones I've gained along the way will be countries away...
Here lies the difficulties. I have three months to plan my return. Well, that should make life simpler, but for me, it's too much time. I was a runner. I've been going on blind ambition and good luck. It seems the past few years I've started with nothing and made it out alive, not always unscathed, though. I'll be going home to sleep on the couches of generous friends and family. I'll rely on public transportation and my thumb for getting around town. And hopefully there isn't a large theft rate of bikes in Shreveport. I'll have nothing, yet everything I need. I'll have support and ambition. With three months to plan I've actually created a budget, mapped out some possibilities and made some contacts. Crazy, I know.
At 25, I realize if I want to obtain a goal I've set, there needs to be a plan. I simply cannot wish, I want to do X and then X will come to me. I need to work toward X. Which, I suppose I've always been working toward X, but in my own backward way. I know what my end goal is. The key now is taking the necessary steps and waiting for each. This is a dream becoming a plan. Because if a dream has no plan, it is simply a dream.
Since, Book Two hasn't begun, I can only give a synopsis of what I hope it to be. I hope to find stability. Begin building a life for myself (more so than I already have). Buy a car, a sofa, a painting; whatever it is grown ups do. I intend to continue traveling in the summers and on holidays. I plan to take full advantage of holiday time and vow to never put work before happiness. I will continue to work in education. I will take tests, intern or whatever to get certified. Eventually I hope to obtain a master's and teach at the university level. I hope to publish a book, or two. This is what I hope, but we'll see. For now, here is what I've learned in Book One of life.
These three things combined generalize and attempt summing up the greatest lessons a twenty-something will learn. Together, the three helped me see, accomplish and inspire.
People always ask, 'How'd you get here?,' or 'Why'd you do that?' and "Why did you go there?' I guess these are the best reasons I can come up with.
Not to re hash the past because I am beyond it. I use my past to help others change their own futures and choices when I can. Just because I can't change my choices in the past doesn't mean I can't help guide or re-direct others.
1. Because I got my heart broken.
- I developed fear. Of everything. Most of all, of humans.
- I'd forgotten what I like. What I wanted in life. Who I was.
- I'd become bitter, even toward the people I loved most.
- I cried. A lot. And I realized it was just a lot of emotions leaving the body that weren't necessary to retain.
2. Because I fell in love
After heartbreak we swear off love of any kind. At least for awhile... Taking a chance again, I learned this:
- I searched for my soul. I searched through alcohol, drugs, strangers, writing, reading and in general, experience.
- I traveled the world (a good bit of it anyway). I learned who I was independently being away from everyone I knew or loved who could have some impression of a say so in who I was and what choices I made.
-I fell in love with myself. My true self. I'd lost the only person I was ever really supposed to love. I learned to never tell myself no and never do anything I didn't want to do again.
3. Because I got over it
- I learned to forgive others. Things happen and so do people. Every relationship is a two-way path, all we can do is our best and hope the same from the other end. We are all constantly changing and evolving so we cannot hold the past over their heads, or our own. Mistakes, lessons, whatever you want to cal them, take from them and proceed with caution into the future.
- I was able to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the learning and searching that led to nothing more than baggage or scars. If you do not do the previous, you can't forgive yourself because chances are, someone else has a part in why you can't forgive yourself. Don't beat yourself up, you're only human.
- I was able to go home. Where, at the end of the day, I'll always choose first. Regardless that it's the place that scares me the most.
- I was able to write about it all. We make our own paths. Whether it's straight or rugged, it's ours and we should never be ashamed of our stories.
In life we have to make a lot of choices. Sometimes it's right, and sometimes it isn't. If I've learned anything in the past 13 months it's that if the choice is right, then drink. And if it was wrong, that's it. Wait it out and find the best in it. Choices don't define us. No one is perfect. We follow our hearts and sometimes the heart leads us astray for good reason. We just have to be patient enough to wait for that reason.
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